Obnoxious & Despicable: The List. As promised, he said--while his voice reverberated around a cold and empty room, not unlike an unrented banquet hall--I will begin my list of the obnoxious and/or despicable things located on this, our particular plane of reality. Disclaimer No. 1: This list does not pretend to be either comprehensive or definitive and reflects only whatever happens to traipse (daisies-in-hair) through my mind at any given moment that I happen (a.) to be situated at an internet-accessible computer and (b.) not to be masturbating. Disclaimer No. 2: I was only kidding about the masturbating. Disclaimer No. 3: The disclaimant (i.e., moi) reserves the right to disclaim other things not heretofore disclaimed by nos. 1 and/or 2 with or without prior notice and may do so at his/her/its sole discretion and without additional signatories or & etc.1. IOWA.
Nein, meine Freunde. I have nothing against the state itself, that stout (dare I say chubby?) little geographic entity located somewhere over yonder, in what I am told is the "heartland" of America. (I reckon that puts Texas smack-dab in the middle of the "entrailsland" of the same bumbling nation. It makes metaphoric sense, no?) No, I am frothing, spitting, and otherwise bothered by what Iowa is emblematic of--especially now.
For some elusive reason, it is deemed fair by unseen powers that Iowa (and New Hampshire and other early primary/caucus states) get to determine the presidential election candidates for the rest of the nation. I don't know about you, and with all due respect to Iowans, I don't give one flying, leaping, bounding fuck who Iowa wants to be president. No person has yet provided that rarely cited "reasonable reason" why all states shouldn't have their primaries and caucuses on the same day. Perhaps it's too reasonable and meddles not only with the idea of tradition that Americans so blindly hold dear, but also with game-playing structure of presidential politics itself, which more and more resembles a big-bucks-no-whammies style game show rather than liberal democracy. (And by the way, I don't care if Iowa and/or New Hampshire happen to be good representatives of greater American public. One might suspect that the greater American public might be an even better representative of the greater American public. Plus, a single-day primary would inoculate dimmer-witted American-types against the "old Jedi mind trick" of liking to pick, firstly, their noses and, secondly, a winner. If Huckabee, for instance, gets 50% in the early states, and Romney gets 20%, Joe Sixpack, who had been previously been wooed by Romney's starchy conservatism, will second guess himself and sniff around to see which way the herd is headed.) In short, the median American is slow and is often distracted by bright lights and/or stock car racing, so it's best to simplify the process so we can if not eliminate, then minimize the stupidity. If one were forced, at gunpoint, to reduce it to a proverb, one might--and, I stress, might--say, "No detours for the short bus." (Disclaimer No. 4: Don't be snookered into thinking by my employment of Romney and Huckabee in a for-instance scenario above that I favor either of these candidates. It was only by reference to these bastards that I made my bid at folksy impartiality.)
And don't even get me started on the electoral college...
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