62 Royalty-Free Excuses for Whatever You Do

1. Because Ted Kennedy was driving.
2. Because of whirl-jack.
3. Because the cat bit my scrotum (alt: labia).
4. Because I took an ipecac.
5. Because I was on Greenwich Mean Time.
6. Because it interferes with my rebirthing.
7. Because it’s secreting a viscous fluid.
8. Because he ran into a kettle drum.
9. Because of the South Africa.
10. Because of Lizzie Grubman.
11. Because Oprah said not to.
12. Because Sri Lanka is below India.
13. Because it’s too small.
14. Because your fedora is in the way.
15. Because I’m committed to your sanity.
16. Because she vomited in my mouth.
17. Because it’s wrinkled and hairy.
18. Because they’re easily distracted.
19. Because she’s a mezzo-soprano.
20. Because his knee popped out.
21. Because we’re moving to the Golan Heights.
22. Because it’s not notarized.
23. Because Tony Danza ate mine.
24. Because these were under your dickey.
25. Because love is an illusion--a pathetic, damnable illusion.
26. Because there’s feces on it.
27. Because Kiki Dee never gets any credit.
28. Because both base angles are equal.
29. Because he gets 40% of the take.
30. Because she was watching Mr. Belvedere.
31. Because all fees are non-refundable.
32. Because it’s a good source of riboflavin.
33. Because we’ve scotch’d the snake, not killed it.
34. Because it could spread.
35. Because I was practicing my didgeridoo.
36. Because rock crushes scissors.
37. Because of my colonoscopy.
38. Because there was no one watching.
39. Because the tip is perforated.
40. Because Clarence Thomas is black.
41. Because it’s ringed in fat.
42. Because we’re halfway there.
43. Because I forgot my headdress.
44. Because I ordered the gumbo.
45. Because it used to be called Rangoon.
46. Because your card has been declined.
47. Because a vagina resembles a shut eye.
48. Because it should be palpated.
49. Because choosy mothers choose Jif.
50. Because the real title was “Orinoco Flow.”
51. Because we hate you and wish you dead.
52. Because silk is summer weight.
53. Because I want it that way.
54. Because Golda Meir looked like a dude.
55. Because obesity has been linked to a gene.
56. Because pi is an irrational number.
57. Because old men smell like turpentine.
58. Because of the Suez Crisis.
59. Because she was the people’s princess.
60. Because less isn’t really more.
61. Because they only have it in green.
62. Because of nuclear Armageddon and other related misfortunes.