The Small-Penis Low-Down Can't-Be-Found Blues

Everyday, after having pried my world-weary body out of my snuggly bed, I make ready for the day as well as I am able. I watch a snippet of the local morning news broadcast (a.) to ensure that Armageddon hasn't obviated my morning rituals and (b.) to reactivate my omnivorous loathing of the world; a transcript of the banter between local news anchors Tricia Sloma and Gordy Young would, I assure you, send the most self-actualized rise-and-shiner (elbows and ass) to a shrink for accelerated primal scream therapy. (All of this talk of Dopplers and lake effects tires the soul and regresses the intelligence incrementally. Just you wait.)

Eventually, by hook or by crook, I arrive at my place of employment wherein I partake of my e-mails--the unfailing majority of which provide the topic (penis enlargement solicitation) for today's discussion. Evidently, no non-surgical service is desired more ravenously than the enlargement of one's phallus or, if one is deprived of the pleasure of owning an actual "fuck-stick" (as a recent spam termed it), than the enlargement of the entirely unsatisfying small-toadstool-like member of one's sexual partner.

These e-mails do not in fact sell a product, per se, so much as they attempt to shame, cajole, and otherwise extort the reader's psychological distress. E-mail after "love pole"-referencing e-mail alludes to some hypothetical woman who is offput by my particular thingie, to varying degrees. One example, sent by someone named "Amparo J. Mayberry," asks if I'm tired of getting hot and heavy and then having her say, "Damn, you too small to be having seks [sic] with that thing!" Spammers love to encode words with similar looking characters to bypass anti-spam software. You may have blocked e-mails, for example, with the word "dick" in them, but did you have the foresight to block "dicI<," "dix," "dik," and "di{k"? (If you thought of all of these permutations of words for schlongs, then you must, by philosophical axiom almost, be a spammer yourself.)

Yes, yes, I know... Spam is one of the oldest bugaboos of the so-called Information Age, but the thing that really pisses me off about penis enlargement spam--the thing that gets my skin flute in a proverbial knot--is the assumption I make that, if I get--on average, let's say--forty of said e-mails in an average day, if such a herculean effort has been made to circumvent filtering software, then somewhere, in some undreamed-of otherworld, this ploy must actually work (at least some of the time). If no one ever opened up an e-mail about maximizing his respective "fuck scepter" and screamed, "Amen! Sign me the hell up!" then it stands to reason that these e-mails would not continue.

There are theoretical alternatives, of course. Maybe these spams are sent out merely as some sort of colossal joke. Maybe the spammers' (the government?) intent is to wear down the human psyche to such a pathetic little nub of intellectual capacity that its only alternative is to submit to the will of some insidious entity?

Oh hey. While I was speculating, I just received an e-mail from my good friend Randy I. Lopez, who is eager to inform me how I might, if I were so inclined, go about enlarging my "trouser mice" (his euphemism, not mine). Mr. Lopez, or "R-Man," as I like to call him, says, in almost blank verse: "Happy holidays!/Gate to your bliss is open/Please yourself and your loved girl with the best gift ever!/Elongate your love wand with herbal remedy!/Steamy nights in year 2008 are ensured!") At the bottom of the e-mail (in another attempt at filtering circumvention) appears the following: "Jacques Chirac was the worst president of the republic announced on Tuesday.The trial against former media baron Conrad Blackwarm and melt the moon's interior for billions of years,political assassination in New Zealand. It was made Jacques Chirac was the worst president of the republic geysers is 'organic' crimes, and has itself orchestrated and participated in Kenya with losing against India. deal, the Penguins organization would be expected to pay." The only piece of valuable info I managed to pluck from all this blather is the oft-o'erheard truism: "Geysers is 'organic' crimes." True that, true that.